Hey guys sorry, just woke up. Was up late and had dinner with good friends and drank some excellent wine and champagne, and we all know how you feel the next day with that mixture. I also smoked cigar, so I have a tremendous headache. During the day I did Bikram yoga and after that I went to a clinic and did IV injection with a cocktail of minerals and vitamins for hydration, skin, hair, B12,6,7,8,9 etc. I felt amazing afterwards! My friend CJ is a party animal so he did a liver cleanse haha! Now I’m gonna get up and have something to eat!
Today I’ve been hanging out with my friends from London! We went hiking, lunching and got ourselves a couple of B12 injections and some juices! Now I’m home taking a shower and then I’m heading to dinner at Soho house!
Thank you all for your kind words and support. It really means a lot to me that you’re all so understanding after I’ve told you such a private thing. Love and respect you for that.
Now I’m gonna tell you something extremely personal, so buckle up and sit tight because this isn’t anything I normally speak of, but now days I don’t see the point of feeling ashamed and embarrassed about things I can’t help. Like my Vaginismus for example. Read about it here in English and here is an interview that I did in Swedish.
Anyway. I’m about to tell you why I got so emotional the other day when I went to a healer. Many of you might think this it’s all a hoax and just a bunch of superstitious crap, but even if so, that’s not the case here. See, even if this woman is a fraud she woke me up and brought me to an extremely painful yet mind-blowing realization.
When I was about 23 years old I was stuck in a very destructive relationship. My boyfriend at the time was a heavy alcoholic and suffered tremendously with his inner demons. He was a very troubled soul and had many addictions. Cigarettes, alcohol, video games, lying, sex, you name it! Just about anything that would take away his pain for the moment. I was a very naive and unexperienced young woman when I met him and I immediately clanged on to him and gladly joined him in his misery just to be on the same level as him and if I was lucky I would get a little affection. All I ever wanted was for him to love and be faithful to me, and right before I knew it, this wish became an obsession.
I was with this man for 3,5 years all together, and I was trying to leave him for 3 of them. Never had I been in a serious relationship before and I thought cheating and orgies only belonged in American comedies. Yes, that’s how gullible and naive I was. This man would constantly betray me and abuse me verbally. He lied about everything and as I recall, he wouldn’t even really bother to hide most of the traces from me. I could literally hold up a blue sweater and tell him it’s blue and he would swear on his mother and claim it was black.
But what was worst about this was that he never gave me the recognition or love that I so badly wanted. He wouldn’t even look me in the eyes unless he was intoxicated and he would never touch me unless he intended to have sex. During these years, all I kept thinking was how it was universe putting me through a test and when it was really, really bad I used to think to myself – I don’t know when, but I do know this will pass, and I may have to suffer until I learn this lesson, but once I learnt it, it will all be worth it.
Now back to where I wanted to tell you about why I cried the other day. After a year or two with this man I got pregnant. I was devastated as he wouldn’t give me any emotional or financial support. Financial support? But you lived in Sweden? Abortions are for free?
Yes they are. But as I decided to go through with an abortion, which was highly traumatic for me who suffers from Vaginismus and can’t even go through a vaginal exam without being put under general anesthesia, I became very depressed. Even more depressed than before. My boyfriend did not go with me to the hospital and wouldn’t even pick up the phone because he was home sleeping and hungover. After the abortion I got very weak. I was told that I would bleed for 4,5 days so I went home to my mother and rested. The week went by and I suffered from stomach pain and bleed a lot. The second week I called in and asked them to check if there was anything wrong since I was still bleeding. They ran some tests and it was clear and I was sent home. A couple of days went by and I wouldn’t stop bleeding and the contractions wouldn’t stop. I went back but they dismissed me so I went home again. After 4 weeks of bleeding and laying in bed with pain I finally collapsed in the bathroom one morning. I was pale and had lost a lot of weight. I went straight to the hospital where they took some more blood samples. I remember my arm was blue from all the needles that had stung me that they had to stick me in the hand.
After a couple of minutes the doctor returned. sat down, looked at me and told me the last abortion had failed and thats they were sorry. I thought I was going to die there and then. That was why my uterus never stopped pushing and that’s why I wouldn’t stop bleeding. I went straight in for surgery and all I could think about was how my boyfriend probably was having sex with someone at that very moment… And that the hospital charged me 600 dollar for these visits.
After the second abortion I was feeling a little better. I had been in a bed for 1 month and somehow I was feeling a little happy all of a sudden? Christmas came up and I was planning to go to LA to see him (we had an apartment there at the time) as soon as the doctors told me it was ok to go. At Christmas evening I get a phone call from some jealous boyfriend telling me how my boyfriend had a three sum with his girlfriend and someone else. My whole world fell apart before my feet and I didn’t know what to do anymore.
What happened after that? What do you think? I chose to continue in denial and go to La to be with him obviously! Haha! He would treat me like shit of course and so it went on for some more years. And I ignored the memories from the abortion or the traumatic experience that I had gone trough.
Until the other day.
As soon as I sat down the lady told me my that aborted child is very angry with me for never giving him any love or recognition. WHAT?!
All of a sudden it hit me like a door in the face. For this whole time that I was pregnant and the two abortions I had to go through, all I cared about was my poisoned and filthy obsession with my boyfriend and how sorry I felt for myself. Not once did I ever think or give this poor little spirit a thought or any compassion at all.
This little fighter who wouldn’t let go, he’s angry with me and I have neglected both him and myself for all these years as if it this experience was meaningless and unimportant, when in fact it was something very sad and tragical which left me traumatized and scared for life.When I was young I saw abortion as something very undramatic and normal. Something girls would do sometimes once or twice in their lives. No biggie. But now, I’m so much more allied and connected and I would never ever do an abortion again.
I’ve been crying while writing this post and I’m happy I am. Because I have never looked at it this way, and he deserves every single tear. They all belong to him.
Baby spirit – I am sorry it took me so long. I’m here now, and I see you. I love you.
I had the best Easter ever! In the morning I went hiking and fooled around in the garden with the chickens and ect, and at night I went to see some friends from London at a Vegan resturant in Melrose and had an amazing dinner, and than had a drink at chateau Marmont. How was your Easter? Please talk to me a little…. I put so much love and energy in to this blog and I really appreciate comments and sharing/liking on Facebook etc! LOVE YOU! Big kiss! Goodnight people!